School Lunch: the most awkward time of day for ASD kids
When you are in special education at school, every other student knows it. You may as well wear a uniform. Usually, nobody wants to sit with the Sped (special education) kid at lunch.
I learned this the hard way in elementary school in Los Angeles. My one-on-one companion took her lunch when I had mine. She dropped me off at the multi-purpose room where there were long rows of tables crowded with students who all seemed to know each other. It was loud and noisy. Whenever I tried to sit down, the kids would move their bodies so there was no room for me to sit with them.
Many lunch times I would stand up and try to eat my lunch out of my lunchbox. Because of my autism, I don't have very good fine motor control so I would drop my food on the floor. The lunch monitor used to yell at me to pick up and throw away my food because it was dirty. Many times I didn't eat lunch at all. I was very skinny.
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| Nate, my lunchtime buddy and me (on a ladder), 2nd grade |
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| Liam, Max and me on a field trip, 5th grade |
When Nate left after two years to join the army, Max and Liam came to my elementary school in the middle of third grade. They had been friends with another boy with autism at their old school. They made me their friend and sat with me at lunch. Then, other kids joined us! This special group knew how to keep me feeling safe and for the first time, I knew what eating lunch with friends was supposed to be like. I sometimes was over the top, but these kids brought me back to earth and accepted me for who I was.
When I moved to Vermont for middle school, my special education caseworker made sure I had a para-educator with me at lunch. Most para-educators are older ladies. When I looked around the lunchroom, I saw that no one else was with an older lady. This made me angry and I sometimes said mean things to her to make her go away. But when my para wasn't with me, I would say stupid things to impress my peers because my social skills were so poor. Some kids took advantage of my inability to make good judgments and had me throw food or say weird things to girls. Then they would laugh when I got in trouble.
Lunchtime has always been the most dangerous time for us Sped (special education) kids. We are put in a situation that is probably the worst kind for us--large, noisy rooms where lots of different types of students are rushing around, trying to eat (sometimes) but mostly socializing. It is hard for us to figure out the hidden social agenda--what people are trying accomplish with their conversations, how they hold their bodies, who they sit with and even how they dress and what they eat.
Because we can be clueless about how to act in a group, it's easy for others to make fun of those of us with autism. Last year in high school, a group of popular kids asked me to sit with them at lunch and gave me tips on how to "get girls." Because I want what everyone else wants--friends and even a girlfriend--I listened and believed them. These students told me I would impress girls if I wore a certain kind of hat, which is very expensive, so I bought three of them (or my parents did, actually). Then, the kids told me to wear bling, so I took some jewelry from my mom's jewelry box, which was wrong.
After the jewelry incident, my caseworker and my social skills teacher got involved. I went back to eating alone with my para-educator. But I still wanted to eat lunch with my peers--even more than ever.
Once you have a peer sitting with you, one of the main challenges with autism is that you cannot figure out what to say to keep them interested in you. I know that I should ask questions that don't have "yes" or "no" answers. And I have been taught that everyone's favorite subject is themselves. But knowing these rules doesn't make it easy to talk to people who may already think you're different because they've seen you with your para-educator around school. Or have seen you doing weird things, like having meltdowns.
Last year after the problems with the bullies, I got the idea that I should do something to make my lunchtimes better. Nate is not coming back, so I have to do this myself. All summer, I worked on a plan and got permission this fall to do it.
I started a student activity group this school year called Special Connections. It's a campus club like the French Club or the Chess Club, but is modeled on the Gay/Straight Alliance because it welcomes both developmentally disabled students AND those who are "typically developing." (These last kind are also called neurotypicals or NTs.)
When people ask me how I got the idea for this club, I tell them the truth. I am tired of eating lunch with a para-educator. I want to be like everyone else and sit with my peers. So far this year, one of the Special Connections club members who is NT has sat with me a few times. The funny thing is that it's hard to figure out what to say to him even though I've got scripts about how to start a conversation and know the rules. Maybe this is what being a teenager is like whether you have autism or not. Maybe it's just hard to come up with stuff to talk about that is safe and won't cause trouble.
So far, we've done two activities with Special Connections and I'll blog about these next time. And photos will follows.
Until then, peace out!
Special Connections: Me, Mitch, Damon and Logan, high school
Here are some helpful links about lunch and ASD:
